Wednesday, December 7, 2011

The Notorious Puddlegum Family

The Puddlegum family comprise Albanian brothers Solok and Nasty, their cousin Bobo and - allegedly -  Solok's son, Spunky.
Solok and Nasty Puddlegum

Bobo Puddlegum
Spunky Puddlegum
Solok, however, in his broken English, denies that Spunky is his son because, as he puts it, "da skinny tosser's bullocks are too small".

For his part, Spunky is very proud of his Puddlegum heritage; he loves his "dad" dearly and admires Nasty above anyone else on the planet.

Spunky is fond of saying, "Nasty is so tough, he wears Blakeys in his Airwair".

Bobo Puddlegum
Bobo Puddlegum, Nasty and Solok's cousin, is an elderly midget (not a dwarf!). He took early retirement from his former service as a circus performer (variously employed as an acrobat, human cannon ball, clown, elephant tamer and pickpocket) when his excruciating hernia became so painful that he would scream like a wounded animal every time he landed badly on the trapeze safety net.
Parents, children and understandably enough, his beloved elephants, found this extremely disturbing.  

Nasty Puddlegum
Through wily cunning, shrewdness, stealth and the judicious use of a pick axe handle, Nasty is universally recognised as is the Head of the family.
On occasion, he has been known to ride rough-shod over the other family members.

Nasty rides Bobo
However, they all continue to support, admire, respect and, above all else, fear him.

Before returning to Europe to form 'Fuckpig Enterprises' using hard-earned Columbian venture capital, Nasty spent 3 years working alongside Che Guevara as his bodyguard, gym instructor and personal guru.

Nasty Puddlegum circa 1962
However, deep in his heart, for as long as anyone could remember, Nasty yearned to be recognised as a top-class award-winning pornographer.
Finally, 'Fuckpig Enterprises' would provide him the opportunity to realise that dream.
Nasty Puddlegum - Vice President of Fuckpig Films
Under Nasty's stewardship, 'Fuckpig' released a number of innovative and diverse porn films including 'Pregnant Facial Parties Vol 1 to 6', 'Spunk Guzzling Twins', 'Midget Fisters' (staring Bobo Puddlegum), 'Old Farts Vs. Teenage Ass's' and many others.
'Fuckpig' won the coveted 'Golden Labia' award on no less than four occasions. The ground breaking 'Shemales A-Go-Go' is a classic and still considered one of the most influential films of the genre.

Nasty Puddlegum's business card
Arguably, Nasty's crowning achievement as VP of 'Fuckpig Films' was discovering the emerging talent Pixie Rain.
Using his many years experience in internet grooming, Nasty partnered with Lar Jun to launch her career in pornography, convincing the naive girl that "your parents will be proud of you!" and "porn is *not* a waste of a University education!"
Nasty and Lar instigated a joint-venture to sponsor Rain's work and have been living immorally off the proceeds ever since.
'PsychoKiller' starring Nasty Puddlegum & Ziggy Bookmite
Nasty went on to star in one of Rain's machinima, 'PsychoKiller' (2010), alongside Ziggy Bookmite. This machinima is Second Life's first ever snuff movie.
The film was later used by the prosecution at Nasty's trial and proved instrumental in his subsequent conviction and incarceration in the prison wing of a high-security psychiatric hospital deep in the beautiful Berkshire countryside.

Upon his release in November 2011, Nasty immediately went into production with an invention that had occupied his mind throughout the long dark, dank days of his imprisonment - the portable glory hole.

Solok trials the Portable Gloryhole
Long term, however, Nasty hopes that to find investors willing to put capital into his cum-filled syringe insemination programme.
He claims that governments all over the world are showing interest in this programme because it is quick and easy way to improve the quality of a countries' gene pool.
Nasty fiercely rejects accusations of promoting eugenics and quotes the noted 19th Century Albanian nihilistic philosopher Alpert Nietzsche in support: "If I kill you, it makes me stronger."
The Cum-Fill Syringe Insemination Programme
Solok Puddlegum is the oldest and, it is widely and justifiably believed, the most perverted member of the family. He is also the quietest, largely due to his poor understanding of the English language.

He has become adept, however, in making his intentions known using only his eyes, fingers, tongue and an obscene rotating of his hips.
Solok dishwashing at Old Lar's Place
Solok is adamant that he is not Spunky's father despite Spunky's frequent protests to the contrary.
When challenged, Solok has always refused to co-operate in a DNA test.

Solok terrorising old ladies at the retirement home 
"Fuck off," he once explained to the investigating Child Support Agency officer as she tried to re-claim forty years of back payments.
He finally slammed the door in her face when she refused to tell him the colour of her knickers.

Solok relaxed and happy
When not at home masturbating over Nasty or Pixie's pornography, Solok will most often be found masturbating over the bar dancers.

Solok with his last two known lovers
From a very early age, it was clear to everyone that Bobo Puddlegum was destined for little things.
Diagnosed as a midget before his mother had even been trolleyed out of the delivery room, his father sold him to the Albanian State Circus before he was fully weaned.
Only by the Grace of God and the protection of his cousins Solok and Nasty did he make it into teenage.
Bobo Puddlegum cira 1973
Being a teenager is never easy and even more so if you are born a midget.
But young Bobo was a fighter and had one big asset that gave him an advantage over his peers; it ensured he was never without female company...

Bobo's Assets
...Bobo loved to dance!

DJ Bobo before the BPI confiscated his decks and LPs
Dancing is but one of Bobo's many talents. He lists his other interests as baking, knitting, embroidery, sailing, spanking and anal fingering.

Many of these skills he learnt by necessity from living with Nasty and bed bathing Solok. Other of the skills he was taught when he attended Walthamstow Reform School for Boys in East London.

Bobo baking
Lar Jun, friend of the Puddlegums for four generations man and boy, was the first to offer the young Bobo gainful employment.
Spotting Bobo's obvious culinary talents, Lar had him preparing food in the scullery. 

Bobo prepares food
The exact reasons why Bobo was dismissed has been lost to history but oldbie's at Lar's Place still talk in hushed tones about being served a "The Full Breakfast Surprise".

Breakfast is Served
Bobo has a tendency to dress inappropriately at social events. Nobody really understands why.
For example, when invited to meet Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth Version 2 on the lawns of Buckingham Palace to celebrate 50 years of The Women's Institute, Bobo dressed as a Jester.

Bobo meets Queen Elizabeth v2
Anal Fingering
Salty Seaman
Bobo, always the womaniser, has never been found wanting for female companionship.
However, when he was selected as Playmate of the Month for the popular 'Midget Lovers' magazine, things would never be the same for him again.
Playmate of the Month
Invited to all the best parties, girls offering him their underwear, free lap dances, sex a simple smile was good for Bobo Puddlegum.

Free lap dances
Free ass
But in essence, Bobo is a simple man with simple needs.

Lar and Bobo
Coming from humble beginnings and despite all the trappings and riches that life has presented to him, he is never happier than when in the company of his best buddy, Lar...and his trusty handheld fleshlight.

Custom size fleshlight
Spunky is the most emotionally sensitive of the Puddlegums, likely due to suffering from chronic irritable bowel syndrome.

Spunky Puddlegum defecating
Whereas for many, having a spastic colon would lead to a life of disability and welfare cheques, Spunky has done his utmost to build himself a respectable career.

Queefer's Assistant Manager
Spunky is proud to recently have been promoted to Assistant Manager of his local Queefer's mini mart. He has been presented with the keys to the padlocks on the window security grills and has responsibility of opening the shutters each day and re-locking them at close of business.

Spunky Puddlegum: Sensitive and Proud
He takes his responsibility so seriously and is so diligent that his Regional Manager was moved to report that "Spunky Puddlegum has become an indispensable Yes Man."

Spunky contemplating his career
After his 14-hour shift at the mini mart, Spunky enjoys nothing more than Karaoke at the nearby Wheel Tappers and Shunters Club.
His rendition of Carla Lane's 'Your So Vain' is near legendary but it is his Elvis Presley impression that brings the crowds to their knees...and tears to their eyes.

Elvis Puddlegum
Although his "father" Solok has been married four times in all, Spunky has never been married - a fact that hurts Spunky deeply and on a daily basis.

Spunky practices safe, hygienic sex
His Lonely Hearts personal ad appears every Thursday in the Scunthorpe and Hull Gazette. Sadly, Spunky has yet to receive a single reply:

"Male 60's. Slim, glasses, high sperm count, WLTM 18 - 25 F w/ appetite for mutual masturbation & ballroom dancing. Cooking skills a bonus. Will wash cock for intercourse.
Box #548"

Spunky Puddlegum WLTM 18 - 25 F
Like his father before him, Spunky is partial to masturbating over images of Pixie Rain. He met a sticky end, however, when CCTV cameras filmed him breaking into Rain's production studio and depositing semen all over her computer monitor.
CCTV image used in court as evidence
Spunky pleaded guilty to all charges and was sentenced to 100 hours community service. He felt this would be a great opportunity to improve his social life.
Solok, however, was less than impressed and was overheard saying to Nasty, "Da skinny tosser got off with a puffs sentence. He no son of mine!"
Nasty nodded sagely.

Skinny Tosser
Who am I, you ask? How do I know so much of the Puddlegum story? Why am I so interested?

I am the product of the Nasty's first ever cum-filled syringe insemination programme, twenty years ago - a generic experiment that went catastrophically wrong.
The sperm of the four Puddlegums accidently got mixed together in the same test tube. The contents of that test tube were injected into a female volunteer.

Nine months after that terrible incident, I was born. 

Genetic tests have found traces of Solok, Nasty, Bobo and Spunky in my DNA.
I am the Daughter of all four Puddlegums and all four Puddlegums are my Father.

My name is Pixie Puddlegum.


Images by Lar Jun, Solok, Nasty, Bobo, Spunky and Pixie Puddlegum
Text by Pixie Puddlegum inspired by characters created by Nasty Puddlegum and ideas from Lar Jun and Bobo Puddlegum
Text edited and images framed by Pixie Rain

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